We’re excited to introduce the final, bonus post of Welcome to the Gray Space: answers from Christian guys to girls’ dating questions.
For six weeks, we’ve written about several elements of dating: pursuing Christ first, love languages, emotional and spiritual boundaries, physical boundaries, waiting, and breakups. But to get a fuller picture, we wanted to include guys’ voices in this series, too. So we asked a group of Christian guys some questions about dating, including some submitted from our readers.
Here are their answers, lightly edited for clarity:
What do you look for most in a girl?
- “That she is secure in herself. Insecurity is highly correlated with drama, so low drama too.”
- “That she’s interested in me.”
- “I look for wisdom/intelligence and a sense of humor.”
- “First and foremost that she loves God and has a deep, intimate, active, and ongoing relationship with Him. Everything else is secondary to that (and in some ways proceeds from it). After that, character is subjective and depends on what traits you think match and complement your own personality. For example, I look for someone who is easygoing, cares about other people, is spontaneous, laughs easily, has a quick wit, and is internationally minded.”
- “A girl who trusts Jesus and loves him more than me, who desires to grow spiritually and not stay where she is at.”
What do you wish girls knew about how guys approach dating?
- “We do not think as hard as you do, but we are not stupid either.”
- “We don’t know what the heck we’re doing.”
- “Guys are more laid back than girls typically think. Issues are usually not as big a deal to the guy; we’re usually more chill.”
- “Girls make simple things complex.”
- “Guys are going to screw up (a lot, believe it or not). Be gracious to forgive, teach, and encourage them!”
As a side note, a couple of years ago, some of my guy friends told me that when girls ask them, “What are you thinking?” and they answer, “Nothing,” they’re not being catty — they’re probably literally thinking of nothing. I think this dovetails well with these answers’ common theme: “We’re not that complicated!”
What do you usually notice first about a girl? Is it usually outward beauty or a character quality?
- Three guys said that they notice outward beauty first, and two of them specifically noted hair: “it makes an impression because it’s a primary identifier.”
- “Honestly, the first thing that is even possible to notice is physical appearance, but it doesn’t have as much impact on my lasting opinion as character does.”
- “Honestly, outward beauty is normally the first thing noticed. That said, the deeper and more true beauty is in her heart and how God crafted her character. But knowing someone’s character is not instantaneous. The first impression normally comes from appearance.”
- “The two things are definitely linked but character is an integral part of beauty. Ultimately, outward beauty is fleeting and a person who loves the Lord, cares about others, and has deep joy will far outshine everything else.”
How does prayer factor into your decision to ask a girl on a date?
- Two guys noted that prayer was important: One said that “Praying about the relationship is essential” and the other wrote that prayer factors “heavily” into their decision. Another said that prayer factors in “a little.”
- A few others acknowledged that they wanted it to be a higher priority: “It’s fairly high up there, but it should be higher,” and “not as much as it probably should.”
- “Prayer is important in relationship decisions. Pray that God would close doors if the relationship isn’t supposed to happen, and then ask her out. Waiting for a clear “yes” in prayer can be paralyzing.”
How does the faith of a person you’re interested in affect your relationship with them?
- “It’s the most essential aspect of the relationship” – we got this response twice!
- “It’s the most important thing. If there’s no faith, there’s no date.”
- “Since the point of dating is to find someone to marry, a lot. Life’s second most important question after Jesus’ question to Peter (who do you say that I am?) is who you will marry.”
- “If they are doctrinally unsound, or don’t seem serious about their faith, then I can no longer consider them as a potential spouse and thus can’t date them.”
- “How can I have a truly intimate relationship with someone if we cannot/do not share our faith? Faith in Christ determines our identity and self-image and many other things. Jesus binds two people together and keeps them active and moving forward.”
Thank you for following along with us as we wrote about Christian dating over the past few weeks! It’s been such a blessing to us to write about these topics. Wherever you’re at — single, dating, married — we hope we’ve been able to encourage you to pursue Christ in this sphere of your life, as in all others.